now entering the journal zone...


i went back to check on my old deviantart profiles (two of them), and it made me laugh. in a nice way

it amazes me just how much of an art machine i was. i'm really really thankful i had enough foresight to archive a bunch of my art on that site forever, but i get really sad remembering how i lost a whole hard drive of my silly powerpuff girls characters from when i was 6-9 years old. i would be having such a kick rn if i was able to look back on it. now i can just vaguely remember it all


i think it's funny how i'm still able to go out in the middle of january without a winter coat and be completely fine, warm even. every year winter just gets warmer and shorter. scary

i didn't get the chance to draw today, although i wanted to. i personally feel like i have gotten to the point where i have developed something of my own style, but i'm not completely happy with it yet. i really love simplistic yet detailed styles. i love making simple faces, like little dot eyes on some characters while others have square eyes or weird oval ones. i think it's really charming when a simple, cartoony face is put on an extremely detailed body in an extremely detailed background. i don't think i've fully achieved this yet, but i love the look of it. i'm trying to figure out what it is exactly that i like about all of my favorite artists' styles, so i can hopefully pull bits out that i can combine and experiment with to fully form my own.

a goal of mine this year is to get a better grasp of color and shading, as well as make my art darker/grimier. while i like bright colors and rly saturated looks, i also really like muddy dark artwork. i think it'd be nice if i learned how to balance the two.

two artists i've been really inspired by (for a long time but especially recently) are koymilke and momopatchi. i could literally stare at both of their artwork for hours LOL. i hope this year i get a little closer to knowing how to render, understand color, and make expressive linework like they can

off the topic of art, i got to hang out with a friend before his break ended. we went to a book store and i got the first volume of goodnight punpun. i was on the fence about it, as i always am when buying books, but i struggle really bad with reading books/comics online. i CAN do it, but i always forget or get distracted way too easy if i'm not holding a physical copy. i've been trying to get through goodnight punpun for at least 3 years now, and just today i was able to get through the first volume. i really love the art style and the storytelling. i hope i can finish the rest of it soon so i can give my thoughts and look at what other ppl have to say about it without getting spoiled.

also lol ever since i got my first piercing i've been playing with it nonstop. i'm itching to get a bunch of ear piercings when i get the chance (and more money)

currently listening...

Jan.9.2023 hiii... i think i've finally gotten my site to a point where i'm decently happy with how it looks :) i get really into customizing things, and i can never decide on a specific theme/set of colors and it just gets me pissed when i can't get to something i like. i don't really know how to code at all, except for basic things like inserting images, links, etc. etc., so it put me off from making a neocities for the longest time (despite always wanting to), and i'm really glad i had the time to make one :) this was sooo fun and i hope i keep up with updating it. i literally love just having a little site that i can do whatever with.

for this page, i don't think it'll be too crazy, just posting a little update every now and then if something fun happens or if i just feel like it. i hate the feeling of being perceived as "corny" so much, so i'm always wrestling with how to present myself on the internet. i always feel like i'm being either too serious/blunt or silly and familiar on my different art pages, and i always find myself trying to pull back and readjust. i constantly feel annoying when i post something fun when compared to my more "serious/professional" art mutuals, so i just try to be more reserved with what i post/say. on neocities i'm not like. blasting anyone with my words (who is prob just there to see my art) like i would be on instagram or something, so i feel a little less uneasy about what someone may think when they come on my page.

life has been really awesome for me both in the art world and just my personal life in general. ever since i graduated high school, i feel like i've been able to breathe a lot more. like LOL just being able to choose my own schedule and be around ppl i actually care about has done wonders for me and for my growth as a person/artist.

i've been doing a lot more thinking on what i want to do with my art in the future. when i was younger, i was so certain i wanted to work in the art industry, and now i'm not so sure. i've flip-flopped over and over for years. like i love art but i genuinely don't think i'd enjoy working at a studio or living off of commission work. i think if i ever went into art, it'd have to be something i do with a close friend. otherwise, i think i've found happiness in deciding not to monetize my art/make it my source of income and just have it be something i do.

i get so nervous thinking about how competitive the art world is, and how even if i were to go to art school, it might not mean shit and i might hate it and all my money/time will be wasted. right now i'm really just happy with no deadlines just drawing things i think are fun. i don't want to change that by trying to monetize my hobby.

i didn't start posting art publicly again until late last year, around december. i was really unmotivated and uninspired to draw. like i hated how my page looked, being flooded by tons and tons of soulless fan art, but i didn't really care to draw anything else. i didn't have anything i was into that i wanted to make fan art of, either. i definitely feel like my art was more genuine around quarantine when i was obsessed with drawing out my feelings, but i lost that somewhere in 2021 idk.

the main reason i was able to repair my relationship with art was one of my best friends, olivia. i've always had a hard time making stories + characters and actually sticking to it, but olivia is probably my main motivation to keep trying. i really admire other artists that have a huge story and a bunch of memorable characters that they get to do anything with and chip away at whenever they feel like. there's always so much heart put into people's personal stories, and i felt like i could never get attached enough to someting to actually put effort into writing/consistently drawing and building upon the same characters, but it's something she helped me find and have a lot of fun with.

i still love making fan art so much, but it makes me happy to know that i have something of my own to brainstorm shit for without anyone busting my ass over how i portrayed a certain character or story.

currently listening...