today i went out with my mom to buy a dress for my graduation. i said it before but oh my god i can't believe i'm almost done. i'm so so thankful. soooooo thankful.

i'm proud of myself for gettng through everything i did. i went through a lot of difficult shit during my 2-year program and also just school in general.

my first (or second?) year when i was just doing gen-eds, i went through a big change in one of my personal relationships, a member of my family attempted suicide, and my grandmother died. i still remember writing an email to my professor asking if i could have an extension on my paper. he said no. i was having a hard time staying motivated to go to class. it was so hard for me to get back on track but i did. never in my life have i ever missed that much school before.

i've never considered myself a particularly studious person—at least in school itself, outside of school i love to learn about random things and my hobbies—but i always got my shit done. for a long portion of my life i'd gotten nothing but straight A's. i think that year in college was the first time ever that it changed

fast forward to my first semester in the program, and everything basically repeated. another relationship change and another family hospitalization for the same reason. fast forward to this last semester, and everything's a little bit better. just different and a little sad because of the changes and the uncertainty i'm standing on

i'm so thankful for everything i learned, the opportunity to even be where i am to get an education, the support from the people that love me and guide me, and the presence of my best friends to make me feel better when this shit gets so stressful. AND OH MY GOD IT GETS SO STRESSFUL. sometimes i cry thinking about how lucky i am. my mom worked so hard to get us where we are. she studied and worked and tried over and over again and she get out of the philippines and built a beautiful family and home over here. she's paved the way for me in so many ways. i love her so much :( so so much. she's my role model and makes me believe i can do literally fucking anything. i think of all the people out there that aren't so lucky. that don't have a family, don't have a house, don't have the opportunity to seek higher education (if they want to), and that feel so alone. it makes me sit up straighter every single time

i'm a mix of feelings right now. mostly neutral. i'm excited to graduate. i'm proud of myself. i'm happy to be rid of school (for now, i still have to do online school to get my bachelor's but i don't wanna think about that lol), but at the same time i'm looking back at it thinking 'hmmm. should i have done more?'

honestly, i feel like i could've and should've done more, but i'm also content.

i'm a very quality > quantity person when it comes to friendships (and i really hope this doesn't sound fucking pretentious because i swear that's not how i'm trying to sound) because i'm the type of person that loves to talk and meet new people, but at the same time i know who i do and don't mesh with. i don't ever like to force anything just because. i don't like getting attached to the outcomes that "if i talk to this person, then we must become good friends who hang out and text all the time or else this was a failed endeavor." like... no! i think there's value in talking to people for a time (however long 'a time' may be) and then parting ways (whenever that may be) with whatever you learned from them as a person or from the interaction/relationship is a whole.

i think out of everyone i met, only 2 of them i really talk to outside of class and see myself being friends with for a long time. there are other people i talked to in school that i thought were sweet, and we would talk for however long we were in the same clinical rotation / class, texting here and there about assignments or other things. they were kind and amazing, and i enjoyed my time with them, some of which i even volunteered with, but i know who i am, and i know i literally can't make myself force things when i know that i'm not even into it. which is where the issue comes in where i ask myself "ok should i have forced it, though??? like for the memories and community and shit," but i still feel like there's nothing wrong with me and my contentness. i didn't cry at my high school graduation, and i know i won't at my college graduation. and idk. i'm fine with that (also, if this detail matters, i went to city college. no dorming or anything. maybe things would've turned out differently if that were the case. who knows)

i have my people that i know from outside of college, and they mean everything to me. it's hard for me to be sad when i know there's so much for me to smile about.

it's like a tree. these people i've known for forever stay in my life (so thankful) and branch out elsewhere, and then they introduce me to those people they've branched out to meet. i also branch out and introduce other people to the people i met, and then we all get to know each other and it's just a beautiful community of people that i love.

this all stemmed from a final meeting i had today while i was shopping with my mom for my grad dress. i was a part of a club for my program, and i did volunteering and stuff. some people cried during the meeting, saying they'd miss each other. i guess that's where i was like "fuckkk i should miss people too, miss this whole thing, should be crying, but i don't. i feel bad that i don't" because i just didn't do enough to get attached. again, they were all so sweet, and i wish i knew them more, but it just didn't happen, and idk i guess that's fine.

everything is gonna be different now. i'm excited for it to be different. i can do things i wasn't able to before. i don't feel too attached to the memories i made in college, but i think i'm fine with that. i'm 23 turning 24 later this year, and i will have the rest of my life to meet so many more people to love.

i guess the whole point of me writing this is to say i feel a little disappointed in myself that i might be half-assing my whole life. i think i could try harder, so i will try harder. i still won't force anything, because that's not me, but i think at the very least i could be a little more present in aspects of my life that might not be completely aligned with my interests, just to be along for the ride.

in 2025 i did meet one person that i think changed my life for the better, though it wasn't in school. it was really random, too. i don't think i'll ever mention people by name in my blog again (whether it's here or in my public one, even), just because i feel bad doing so, so i'll just refer to him as ☀️ if i refer to him at all.

we met through the both of us posting our art to social media (and coincidentally we had both come out of a long spell of not posting online at all), and we saw each other's art and proceeded to look at it in secret. both of us wanted to be friends with each other but had the fear of coming off as parasocial. genuinely a once in a lifetime experience for me. i think we laid eyes on each other's art in early april and then actually began talking mid-april. fast forward to a year later, we're still friends, and i've made so many friends as a result of meeting him (like a domino effect), and i'm eternally thankful i took a chance and sent him a message.

it's instances like this where i am so thankful. i'm thankful for him and for the people in my life that mean everything to me. whenever i get sad because i feel like i wasted an opportunity to connect or do something more, i remember how much i already have, and i just get so happy. there could always be more, there's always more, but i'm also so happy with what i have. friends, genuine friends, friends beyond the surface level that you just look at and feel "i was meant to meet you" are so rare (at least to me). there's so many people on earth. so few chances for said people to meet at the exact right time for something to happen. like what do you mean i was born at the perfect time for the internet to be advanced enough where we could meet each other through some pixels on a screen on a website on a device powered by the internet??????

i think i just needed to get it out. i can try harder, and i will, but i won't spit on the fact that i already have so much in my life to love. i'm excited for where the coming years will take me. i'm excited to try new things that i didn't have the time to before. i get to do things, and i have so many wonderful people in my life. i'm so thankful.